A Parliament of Rooks 2017

The Right Honourable Theresa May Rook
The Right Honourable Jeremy Corbyn Rook
The Right Honourable Timothy Farron Rook
The Right Honourable Nicola Sturgeon Rook
Mr. Paul Nuttall Rook

 

rook


n.1 a large Eurasian passerine bird, with black plumage and a whitish base to its bill. 2 a swindler and a cheat. vb 3 (tr) Sl. to overcharge, swindle or cheat. [OE hroc]

 

There are three collective nouns to describe a gathering of rooks: a clamour, a building, and perhaps most appositely in light of recent events, a parliament.

 

Rooks and politicians have much in common; both species are gregarious, loud and raucous, and prone to quarrelling amongst themselves. They generally appear dishevelled and unkempt, and there is an air of the ridiculous about them. Both are hated by farmers, who consider them to be vermin, and to the general public they are the epitome of dishonesty and not to be trusted. They are often cited as the reason why things go wrong, or misfortunes occur, and suffer the weight of public opprobrium accordingly.

 

 



Rook Manifesto 2017

Society is broken.
It is our job to fix it.
We can’t go on like this.

 

We need answers to the social problems we face – answers that will come from big society, not big government.


From social responsibility, not state control.


We are all in this together.

 

Under a new rook government, we will redistribute power and control from central state to individuals who can do the job better.

A new rook government will create the opportunity for people – the right people – to take responsibility.
This approach is in line with the spirit of the age –
the post-bureaucratic age…
the post-governmental age…
the post- political age.

 

We are all in this together.

 

A new rook government will improve our schools.
A new rook government will improve our health.
We will kick out all the politicians and bureaucrats with the wrong ideas.
We will be tough on crime, and tough on the causes of crime.
We will install CCTV cameras inside and outside every building.
We will encourage citizens to spy on their neighbours.
We will give police officers smarter uniforms.
We will condemn a little more, and understand a little less.
We will provide a fast-track two-tiered justice system, where those who can afford it can opt into a judicial process tailored to meet their needs.

 

A new rook government will outlaw crime.

 

A new rook government will be tough on education, and tough on the causes of education.
We will encourage duty and responsibility.
We will give people more power.
We will not treat people like children.
We will encourage marriage, especially between consenting adults of different sexes.

 

A new rook government will shake things up.
A new rook government will make things happen.
A new rook government will help everyday people.
A new rook government will create a big society.
A new rook government will create One Nation.

A new rook government will provide strong and stable government

 

We are all in this together.

 

A new rook government will galvanise social renewal.
We will encourage tenants to buy their council houses. Those who are unable to do so will be relocated to Great Yarmouth and the surrounding area.


We will work directly with unaccountable people in order to provide social programmes in communities with the greatest needs.
We will reward hard work and enterprise.
We will give priority to hard working families.

 

We will provide British jobs for British people.


We will extend the incentive schemes of those working in the financial sector, and amend the tax systems accordingly.


A new rook government will expect unemployed people to work for their benefits.
A new rook government will cap the amount of benefits any one family can receive.
A new rook government will cap the amount of children unemployed families will be allowed to have.

 

A new rook government will cap the number of immigrants coming into the county.

We will only allow immigrants into the country who have useful skills, and whose work will benefit society – people such as doctors, nurses, farm labourers, and restaurant workers.


We will make it easier for British citizens to live and work abroad.
We will extend our influence in Europe by talking slowly and very loudly to Europeans.
We will encourage activists, curtain-twitchers and do-gooders to meet in front rooms to discuss ways to improve the neighbourhood.

We will provide strong and stable government.


We will be all things to all men.


We will pass legislation to ensure that only photogenic people are elected to serve as members of parliament.


We will change the system of voting from the outmoded and unpopular model currently in use, to one based on the systems used in talent and reality TV shows.

 

A new rook government will ensure that this country will get the strong and stable government it deserves.

 

We are all in this together.